I think it will feel good to get this out….

I’ve been needing to blog for a while…too long..but L.I.F.E. has gotten in the way. Unfortanately it’s gotten in the way of a lot however….it is what it is right?

While my prayer is that none of you are feeling what I’ve felt the past month or so, I think you will be able to relate to some degree. It’s happened to all of us just happens differently and at different times.

I don’t have a word for it. I barely have a description. It is what it is….

I am blessed beyond words. I am loved, cared for, thought of, prayed for, appreciated, supported, feed, sheltered and lucky enough to be one of His chosen. *By the way, so are YOU! BUT. Sometimes due to our place in life at any given moment, we don’t feel these things. At. all. Call it what you want and deny it all you want but think a minute. You may not be here right now, but you have been. And if you haven’t guess what you will be…I know, I’m the encourager, right?! What happens when the “encourager” gets discouraged? Has little or nothing to give? Is worn out? Depleted? Hungry for something, no “food” to be found? I feel like we have a choice. We don’t always create this “desert” for lack of better words, but we do I believe have a choice in how we navigate through.

1. We can hang out for a bit. Ask questions, read, journal, share with others who will hear it…even go without food or water for a *little* while…..but then what?

2. We can refuse it all together…hmm… that’s one I’m not sure about . Sometimes the desert is necessary.

3. Pretend its not there, that we are in lavish gardens every hour of every day….which will only leave us needing a reality check.

4. Get stuck. Desert. Dry. Wasteland. Parched.

** But wait. IS there purpose? Here’s my heart on this: For me, God always has a reason. Maybe I have forgotten who I am , maybe I’ve forgotten who HE is. Maybe I think I need desert….(really?)…Maybe I’ve been preaching too much and not learning, maybe its the desert that gets my attention. Maybe I NEED a reality check that I can’t do this alone. Yeah. I can’t. Its impossible in every way. Some of you won’t like that very much because “God is in us, how do we not have the power?” Yes. I believe that. BUT I believe we are FULL ON flesh as well. Human nature says “I’ve got this.” Am I not right?

If you need some insight. Try it. Try to do everything all the time without tapping into that source. The source of living water, spiritual food and nourishment. Just try it. Let me know how it feels….

I’ve done it. Again and again. ….. And yet I ask myself – what the heck is wrong with me?

Here’s the response: Dehydration. Starvation. Lack. Lonliness. Boredom. Exhaustion. Weakness.

**ALL THINGS GOD DOESN’T INTEND FOR US TO HAVE – THOUGH NECESSARY AT TIMES…

And I’m not talking physically. Please take care of your bodies. But please, please nurture your spirit and soul. Breathe in the only air that refreshes. Drink the only water that revitalizes. Living water. God’s spirit. Allow some time to really let that sink in way deep where if you are like me, need it.

And be blessed wherever you are.

Peace.

p.s. so what do you do when you find yourself in the desert? pray. and find out why. you may be there 1 day. passing through. you may be there a bit longer…but God hears us and will answer. And too, we are ALL on different journeys. And we will all probably have different answers. Don’t forget that. Its important.

To “Lent” or not…

So….I’m not a professing catholic. Or a baptist, methodist, adventist, episcopal, etc. etc. etc. Just a child of God. Who knows who she is. However, I get the fun question from time to time – “why Lent?”

For me, I think it’s personal. And I think for everyone its probably different. As it should be. We are all different, God created us so mostly everything can’t mean the same thing for everyone. What I fear the most is that we simply “do” because we “see”. Or even worse “well someone said this is what I should do.” This is something we should be very aware and mindful of. WATCHFUL. PRAYERFUL. And, know our reasons.

So I’ve been thinking – what’s my answer for this. I haven’t practiced Lent every year of my life and sometimes I do and then the next I don’t. What I feel is that its not bondage for me. It’s not legalistic. Its FOR me, not something that works against me.  Mostly its time taken “out” or “away” to focus/pray/ask God some things and to get clarity. It’s like de cluttering a space so that you can re make it or re decorate it. But you wouldn’t typically want the contractor/decorator to come if the space is all jacked up dirty or messy. Its not some type of “I can’t have fill in the blank” for forty days. Often, it’s something I’m “taking on”. Sometimes I observe Lent or at least the fasting part many times a year, not just certain days on a calender.

I’d like to add that this may not answer the question, but at this point it’s all I’ve got. To each its own…enjoy the season. 🙂

+ Peace and love

Somethin’ stirrin’.

Yep, it’s been a while….so much for my resolve to “be a better blogger.” well, oh well….

Something is stirring AND it’s been stirring….I wanted to give you a sneak peek – a preview so to speak of what’s going on in me. Main idea is IDENTITY. I think everything else falls under that. From what I can tell so far. WE don’t know who we are! Someone has got to help kids realize this! For lack of better terms, what you see below is a speech. A total work in progress!

It needs a LOT of editing and is missing some pieces – but I wanted to get some feedback on it so I’m putting it out there WAYY before completion! PLEASE remember that! ha….continue reading WITH caution and if you can PLEASE comment!

Love & Blessings,

A

My FB status today:

Writing/ working away… something is being birthed its time to say…. what girls need to know they are valued and loved and beautiful?  What schools groups etc do u know that could benefit from hearing this?  Depression self harm eating disorders prostitution drug use abuse suicide run rampant in our society – but who is being pro active in trying to prevent all of this? Hmm not sure huh? Well u know now. Prayers for stepping out and answering my call. Lots of prayers…

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My work today: * notes the areas i have to fill in!I love you. You are worthy. You are beautiful. I value you. You deserve it. You are wonderful. You have purpose. You are special. You mean a lot. I appreciate you. Thank you. You are amazing. You are lovely. I respect you. You are smart. You are creative. Your body is just the way it is supposed to be. YOU ARE LOVED because YOU are  YOU.

Have you heard this in the last 24 hours?  The last week?  The past month?  Last Year?

Most of us haven’t.  Ever.

What we do hear:  You are strange. You are different. You are worthless. You don’t mean anything. You don’t know anything. Why are you the way you are? Your fat. Your skinny. Your body is weird. You aren’t like me so you are no good. You aren’t good enough. You will never be anything. Your clothes aren’t cool. Your hair is always a mess. You don’t have/drive the right car or live in a neighborhood good enough. Your so difficult. Your parents don’t love you. No one likes you. You are an outcast. You aren’t important.

How do you feel when you hear these things? How do you feel when you don’t?

I would venture to say that we don’t hear the first statements enough. If we are lucky enough to hear it, we are blessed and the feeling is amazing. But what happens to us when we don’t? How does NOT hearing these affirmations affect us?

**Statistics – Depression, Anxiety, Eating Disorders, Self hate (body image issue)  Self harm/Suicide, Prostitution

                    Is this YOU  or someone you know?

WHY? why do I care to share?  ** Insert personal story of abuse, and everything that came from that!**

Knowing we are valuable and have purpose and believing these things about ourselves can and will make a difference in our lives. And if we believe, we can help others.

**Verses- when applicable (not every situation will warrant scripture)

Connecting with others : school counselors, teachers, friends, pastors, etc. someone who lifts you up, who is always encouraging and someone you can CALL anytime you need help.

Find groups who meet regularly – for any reason. Social,  educational or spiritual.

My info:

Amydarby414@gmail.com

A new year, A new beginning

So what will you do “new”? We aren’t making resolutions here, just a topic to think about with the fact that it is January 3 and things do seem to “begin again” ready or not.

How do you feel about it? In some ways, I couldn’t wait for something new to start – but in others, I’m not so ready. Maybe its because as my husband says “you don’t like change.” Maybe its because my BABY turns 10 this month. Maybe its because 2012 brings more responsibility. Or maybe its the unknown. The knowing that something is on the horizon but not knowing exactly what. Is it fear? Gosh, I hope not. I thought God and I had worked through that!!

Some of the things I’m mulling over: become a better blogger. a better friend. a MUCH better wife and mommy. become better at taking care of myself. become more familiar with Jesus. again….sigh….

So, I’m just wondering, what are your thoughts?

Before I get too overwhelmed I’ve decided: let’s just take it a day at a time. Perhaps a moment….

“I think in terms of the day’s resolutions, not the year’s.” Henry Moore

Blessings and a very HAPPY New Year!

 

Hello….Is this thing on…??

I find it amusing that I think I blog for myself. Or is that the point? It can’t be because I see people who blog and people actually read and follow them. I guess its my choice of material. Boring. Non stimulating, non important, not frilly enough, definitely lacks humor ….maybe….or maybe because its real. So read on , you have been warned.

Let’s admit, real life isn’t always fun, stimulating, interesting or as a friend of mine likes to put it “flowery”…but it’s life, right? So why do we always try so hard to package it a certain way? Why do we try to seal it up, put a bow on it, mark it in our best penmanship and send it off? Why can’t we just be more real? Is it insecurity? Is it fear? Fear that because I may not be packaged well on any given day that I’m failing? Or I’m not good enough because there are days that suck and weeks and months that suck more and I don’t try to cover that up? Maybe I’m angry. Maybe because my friends have cancer, people are dying every day, kids are hungry, families are homeless, school puts too much pressure on my kids (and parents), babies are being born (or not) that aren’t wanted, people are seeking drugs, alcohol, sex, hurting themselves (in every way) bad counselors and even un necessary medical procedures to deal with “stress”. Maybe I have “fallen world syndrome” and I’m mad at my creator (or Eve depending on your view) because I don’t get Eden. Yet.  I am full of questions because it doesn’t make sense to me. But at the same time. We’re here and Jesus isn’t yet….we have to find a way to function and carry on. Yes. I am blessed and someone will always have it worse. I get that…bless them…but I’m not perfect so I’m allowed imperfect moments right? YES.. and I will allow yours, too. It beats the alternative of what I see around me, which is not authentic humanism at all.  And don’t get religious on me and say we should be loving giving,  smiling, and hugging and singing (fill in the blank here)  at all times….PLEASE. If that were God’s plan why did he put us in skin? Let’s just agree that we will hurt each other and  fail Daily. But that’s ok and move on…Why are we parading in masks instead of just being transparently us? I want to be transparent. I want to be genuine leather. I want to be glass instead of ” plastic so I don’t break” …(what fun is that??) I want to be porcelain  fine china, not paper.  And I want to eat on it everyday if I please. I want to be a real cut down tree from the woods. One that not every other family has because the store sold 5,000 of them. Is that wrong? I want to bake from scratch and eat a real turkey. I want handmade ANYTHING. I want to take a road trip and not use GPS, not map out a route and NOT book a room. I want to live. Live in the moment. Go with the flow, as some would say. I want to leave my phone (ooops did I do that?) and loose my clocks. Just for a moment.  I want to be unexpected and unpredicatable  and mysterious – but not weird mysterious just surprising. So what does that mean? For me it means the glass does break, so does the china… the tree is messy and needy, the turkey could burn (as well as the cookies), the leather will stretch (oops, ouch), the handmade can unravel…just as easy as the gift wrap. It means the house is a wreck, I miss appointments and let friends and family down. It means I say no with a smile. I means I give up and surrender the “cape”. It means you can’t have all of me. Nope. Sorry. And there was a time I lived that. A time. A season – allbeit too short. So, I’m choosing to go back. Choosing to simplify if you will. My I? Care to join? That’s my transparency. That’s me at the core. My books/movies/magazines/cards  and even my dreams at times  – they are important but they are for my enjoyment,  not ME. I don’t have a hallmark house on a lifetime street in a debbie mccomber novel. and i’m ok with that. (by the way I am a fan of all of the above) What I have is the life God is allowing me to build. It will look like no other (thanks, Daddy!) It’s Amy’s (Duane’s Lydia’s Ella’s)house on Darby street in my own book. And you are welcome anytime. What’s your transparency?

To be continued….

The walk….

I am really trying to post daily. However, life sometimes just doesn’t allow it. And, I must be okay with that. I thought I would just give a little bit of info regarding the picture on this page. I love it so much. I have seen it in many places. Each time a little different but it always speaks to me. Sometimes the trees and everything around the path is green. Sometimes it depicts my most favorite time of year and the leaves are orange, yellow, brown and red. Other times I’ve seen a picture like this without leaves and snow. It never seems to matter which “version” of this picture is in front of me. It screams at me none the less. I was estatic to see it as an option for the blog page.

Sometimes we don’t really understand the “whys” of what we like, dislike, or what it all means. Life is that way. We are all on a “path, journey, road, trip, expedition,adventure,  fill in the blank….” and we all are walking it. Some of us running, skipping (remember how fun that is?!) , trotting, waltzing, and for some of us…dragging….I have been in all of those. The point is, we walk regardless. We  may be baby stepping or dragging our feet but we MUST continue the walk. We have to continue. It’s what brings us life or keeps away death, whichever. Some days we can run or even sprint. Some days, we shuffle along. Either way, it’s motion. So, think in terms of the natural around you. Are you running, walking leisurely at peace , trotting or even skipping???

And about the trees and leaves….what do yours look like? Sometimes I can only see bare branches, sometimes all green…..but my most favorite is the colors of fall. When that path is all orange and brown and red and yellow, and LEAVE FILLED; I am most happy. What picture do you enjoy…..

How are you walking?

An introduction..It began with a dream…

When I was six years old, I had a dream I was dancing with Jesus. Pure and simple. I was dancing with Jesus. He had long brown hair and a white robe. He was laughing. Whirling me around like I was on air. Much like a father would with his daughter on her wedding day. Except I was a little girl. Dancing, none the less. And at that time, in my innocence, that’s all I needed to know. I remember sharing my dream with a couple of family members but that was that. Or so I thought….

The dream was always with me. But not something I put a lot of thought in or shared much.  Maybe because it was so “dreamy”. Maybe because I was six. Maybe because it sounded crazy. I don’t know.

Fast forward about 24 years. I began to walk a road many of us choose to avoid. I started a journey I can honestly say I had no idea about. A course without a GPS you might say, or a map….or even simple directions. There was only one direction: follow me.

First stop, visit the past, over 20 years back and allow me to show you some things, explain some things and be healed from some things and we will move on from there. See while my dream never left me, I didn’t realize how important it was. At six, I had fallen victim of abuse. I lived abused for about four years of my life. And so many other things would follow. As I begun to search for truth and healing; I had to ask where God was in all of it. I was reminded HE was in the middle of it suffering right there with me. I knew this to be true, because I remember vividly conversations we had. I always felt a “presence” with me, no matter how lonely I was. And then, there was the dream. Jesus was dancing with me. He had me in His arms, carrying me through the entire thing.

And He has yet to let go.

See no matter the abuse, the pain, the hurt, the abandonment, the hopelessness, the tears, the letdowns, the failed relationships, classes, businesses, aspirations or jobs, no matter any of it – Jesus is dancing with me.

To be continued….

And so it begins….again…..

I suppose when you go to log into your former blog and it doesn’t exist….it’s time for a new one! Well, not exactly how I got here today but more like a little revelation before fallling asleep last night. So here’s to yet another new adventure in writing….hope you all enjoy.

Guess what? it DOES exist. i just was putting the wrong address in! well, i still say, I am to start a new one. we’ll see….